Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Keeping him in my heart for a while

There is a  song by Warren Zevon and my dear friend Michael Rancourt sang it at Ted's memorial service... I am ever grateful for his lovely version... it was amazing. If I could figure out how to post it here I will, but for now I'll give you Warren's version.
Ted and I would have celebrated 26 years of marriage and 29 years together. I miss him madly. His laugh, his wisdom (yes, he was wise), his kindness, his friendship, his love, his ease, his handy fix it all, make anything capability, his ability to difuse me and our children when angry, his partnership, I miss his presence.
When life events are on the horizon, I become super emo... my achy heart, right in the way. I have no way to stop mocks me, it is right there looking me in the face, and I have no way of escaping it.
I find that after 2 years I  still find myself with a huge hole in my heart. I expected it, but I also expected it to mend a tad. So I find the true story of grief is a hard, hard story to tell. For those walking a similar walk,  I am bad counsel. I have no wise words, no timeline, no easy fix. My truth is that there is no universal answer, timetable, schedule. And damn it I wish there were! Each person with a great loss has their own story. I am not saying that I am unhappy, I have so much to be happy about and grateful for. I just am wondering when the giant ache of missing Ted will subside just a little.
 I have no idea when I  reach that part of the story.  I am waiting for that. I  do know  that it comes. Ted will always be in my heart,  I would just rather remember with laughter, some tears but not the painful heartheavy,  achey kind. And maybe that never goes away. I have no clue... I do know others have waked this way, but like me,  their story is unique to them. So I wait, as I know it will come. 

1 comment:

Sue Aripotch said...

Sue- you're such a brave woman. It was always such a treat to see you and Ted because of the love between you.
I'm so grateful for these posts you write about what it's like. Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart with us. I'm sending a big hug and a lot of respect and love.