Sunday, April 24, 2016

I miss your hands

I dont know if it's because It's Eliza's senior year in College, and he missed 3 years of her playing lacrosse, or that he's missing her senior fashion show, or her graduation.  Maybe it is because he missed T-Moes freshman year on and off  the field, and T-Moe missed his "Ted" words of wisdom. Or maybe because the HS Boy Lacrosse season has begun, and Ted's favorite group of youth players took the field as Freshman. ( he always bragged about how great this class was going to be) Maybe it's because I am renovating another home,( that our tennants left  in unspeakable condition) or that I am selling this beautiful home that Ted built, ( and the kids & I worked by his side to make his dream a reality) Perhaps it is because I will be renting his "Kingdom" in Boothbay for the first time. Whatever the reason I am missing my man lots these days. Perhaps its a spring thing,  the anniversary of him leaving us is on the horizon. (Flag day his favoite holiday, he loved it so much, he chose that weekend to go) ) All I know is that I find my eyes are wet alot, and memories flow thru uncontrollably.

Every day I miss him, I think of him, and so often I wish he were still here. I miss his laugh, I miss his smile, I miss his arms, around me holding me, his hands, his strong hands, his strength. I miss him being able to fix EVERYTHING. I miss designing things with him and him bulilding them perfectly as we imagined. I miss his voice. I guess I just miss him. End of story. With each year I  have hope that the pain will lessen, but it does not. I truly thought with time the my broken heart would mend. But not so. My guess is that this hole, this Ted place  will always be here, no scar, no bandage, just a gaping void in my heart where Ted  lived, and his memories live. Maybe it's really not a hole at all, but a chamber, a TEd chamber, that will always be there. I think I like that.  It does not affect my day to day function, and I dont think of him every waking moment, but when I least expect it... there is a thing, a moment, a song, a phrase, a season, whatever... he is there. I can physically feel his presence.  I am happy to have him with me. I am just sad that he is not physically with us all.  And I guess I will always feel that way.  So keep coming Ted, I welcome your presence and just wish I could grab your hand.