Saturday, June 17, 2017

1460 and no plan



Oh June...
Upon your arrival I am immediately reminded of what lies ahead...Ted Hellier Laxfest (5th annual) a day of celebrating the game he so loved) Flag day, (Teds high holy day!) Fathers day, and June 17. I feel your presence creeping up as May winds down. Unexplicable bouts of sadness, crying for no apparent reason, an emotional roller coaster. And then it occurs to me that June is on the rise and it all makes sense. It will be 4 years (1460 days) since Ted has not been sleeping next to me, 4 years of amazing things our children have accomplished. I witness it without Ted by my side, beaming with joy and smiling that beautiful mustached smile. I do feel his presence, but it's not the same. After 4 years I still miss him like crazy, I still sometimes have the feeling like he's going to walk thru the door. I have become quite good at camouflaging the huge Ted chamber in my heart, but it's always right there, and when it's covered I'm good, but often, I feel like I can physically touch it, like giant hole, where everything Ted lives. I literally put my hand to my chest to keep it all in.

I had lunch the other day with a friend who lost her husband a year ago, we talk about our loss and grief and where we are in that process...we wish there was a book, with hard fast rules. This process is so very different for each of us, yet so the same. We are oddly comforted by this sameness.

 It is an odd journey for sure. The roads unfamiliar, the map not clearly marked, and definitely unsure where it all leads to. Where there were plans, I now have none. I wing it, my new mantra "its all good". For the first time in my life I have no plan. Ted and I had plans, but things have changed, I truly have no idea what lies ahead. Truth be told, that's a little scary. I'm a girl who likes a plan. But it's all good... forward movement.

Ted and I were together 27 years, 27 really good years, we loved each other, loved our children, our friends, and our family. And we really liked each other and each other's company. We did our own thing, but always made time for each other. I miss the conversations, the coming together after a work day to catch up, talking about our kiddos, our day, and just the daily happenings. I miss talking about our future. (back to that plan thing) it's just not the same planning by oneself, no one to toss ideas around with, I'm a dreamer, planner, I don't know now what my dream is, it always had Ted in it. And that, after 4 years has settled in hard. Mind you I have always been strongly independent, I don't mind being alone, I'm not lonely, I am truly so fortunate and, to quote Ted so "Lucky" to have so many dear friends, whom I love and who have been present for me in so many huge ways, these past 5 years. I have 2 amazing children , who bring me vast amounts of joy, and a family that has always had my back. I am now,  after 1460 days, trying to figure out what my new dream will look like. It's all good, I have a pretty great life, it just aches to know Ted is not taking part in the conversation. I will look for signs, it's how I roll these days. I know he's with us, I just have to be aware.

So today I will honor Ted by being happy! I will go to a lacrosse game, (we have friends playing in the state finals... Ted will be there cheering Gavin on... as will I,  just from different seats! ) And later on I will raise a nice cold Heinie, to a life well lived and a man HUGELY loved and dearly missed.


Sunday, January 1, 2017

New, Nouveau, Nuovo, Happy, Heureux, Felice!



2016... You were a year! You made me think deeply, feel deeply, laugh til I cried, cry til I laughed, experience joy and fear.  Here are a few things I will take away from you, some I will leave behind and some I will and take into 2017.

HAPPY...
 for:
... My amazing children who daily make me proud to be their mom... (even though they give me grey hair...) I wouldn't want them any other way.
...the simple pleasures you brought me
...the gift of patience
...the friends who helped me pack, move, sell one house and renovate another, motivate me, kept me moving and once again lifted me up and pushed me to the finish.
...David Bowie, Leonard Cohen, Prince, Keith Emerson, Greg Lake, Leon Russell, Buckwheat Zydeco ( Stanley Dural Jr) Maurice White (EWF one of my faves), Paul Kanter, Glen Frey.
Your exit in 2016 made me so sad to see you go, but for all the years of listening pleasure you gave me and for all the amazing music that makes up the soundtrack of my life...Big Happy
...the presidental election, yup, that. Though not happy with the end result, happy for the enlightenment, so that in 2017 we move forward with more kindness, compassion, activism, and accountability.
...Ted... always in my heart, and ever present. I was honoured and blessed to be able to spread a little of you this year with some of your favorites... and you did not let us down... the signs...AMAZING! Amy, Captain Rich, Melis, Rich, and the gang on the boat, a little Casco Bay love for Ted, thank you for allowing me the moment to spread a little Ted from  your boat in our beautiful part of the world. Therese, Marie, Angela, Didi, Laurence, Eileen, the perfect spot in Provence for Ted and the heart signs EVERYWHERE, so grateful for the love and kindness and your willingless to share your time with a little of Ted! Mags, Amy, MaryJane, Allie...Teds Cove... just amazing really, the heart, the harvest moon, shooting star,  little dipper... stars alligned in Ted's kingdom! His favorite place, I will alwyas carry these memories, thank you all for allowing me the moments to share Ted with you all and our big beautiful world. For remembering him with me, missing him.
I will take all the Happy, lots of HAPPY in 2017!

FEAR...
... for our country
...for my fellow humans
... for our global community
... for our planet
... for my friends in the fight of their lives,
I would love to not be fearful... I'd like to leave fear behind in 2016

HOPE...
...That there truly is a cure for cancer. So many friends in this fight in 2016.
 Marilyn, Patrick, Susan, Irena... you are my HOPE... your remissions,  truly  my favorite moments of 2016!
And to all my friends in the fight... I am in your corner, I am hopeful, I have seen good things after the chemo ravage... I admire your strength, tenacity and grace and pray for the cure.
...That there are more good people than bad, and the negative hateful images we see on TV,  in war, in unexpected places, in politics are not the view of the masses... I hope, I hope, I hope. I will bring hope to 2017

SORROW...
...So much sorrow... all over our world, so much sorrow. I will keep sorrow though, as with great sorrow comes great healing and hope, and compassion and power to make a change. We have all had personal sorrows, experienced the global losses.  I wish sorrow on no one, but to experience such sorrow, makes you appreciate the simple little pleasures and the ability find joy in the tiny moments. So I will keep Sorrow in 2017.

HATE...
...So much more than I ever knew in 2016... I was horrified, saddened, angered, and so disappointed.  ...No place for it EVER, in any year, any time any place.  Hate can stay in 2016.

JOY...
...in art
... in my friends successes
...in tiny special moments
...in surprising friends
....Bring on the JOY... look for it, seek it out, find it, be it. Put yourself in the position to feel it. JOY, lots and lots of JOY in 2017.

FRIENDSHIP...
...You can never have enough friends
... keep the old, make new
...be open
...don't judge
...be a good one
 Friends true friends, support, lift, encourage, cheer, cry, and are present. Be a good friend, make new friends in 2017!

LOVE...
...It really is all you need
... 2017 be filled with love
... for your family
... friends
...strangers
...our planet
You get me. Hard to be loved if you do not spread love. BE LOVE, BIG LOVE in 2017!

PEACE...
...my wish for all
... in war torn areas
...with inner demons
... in your heart
To all, bring on PEACE in 2017.

GRATITUDE...
... this word... really expresses my feelings for all of you in my life. But especially since 2012... you have all shown up, embraced, lifted, carried, and ARE the LOVE. My family is truly grateful for all of you in it. I hope we show you the same. Gratitude and stay in 2017.

HEALTH...
...we take it for granted
... in good
... in bad
... in recovery
... in remission
Be good to your body.. honor it, take care of it. I want to keep GOOD HEALTH in 2017.


So there it is...another year... my wishes for this shiney new year are simple really. I look forward to what you bring... I pray for all of the above and the strength and power to execute it all with grace.
2016 made me realize how many folks there are in this world who do not feel like me, and I was blown away. The hatred, bigotry, and ignorance that was so frequently publicized and televised during the past year. The vast number of folks who hate, because of color, sexual orientation, disability, gender, religious belief... and on and on. For me ... so disheartning, I truly thought we were more evolved!
So my plan...kill em with kindness, and good, and love. Be happy, be joyful, appreciate each other. Show compassion, show 2016 what a year should look like... 2017... I'm counting on you!