Saturday, June 17, 2017

1460 and no plan

Oh June...
Upon your arrival I am immediately reminded of what lies ahead...Ted Hellier Laxfest (5th annual) a day of celebrating the game he so loved) Flag day, (Teds high holy day!) Fathers day, and June 17. I feel your presence creeping up as May winds down. Unexplicable bouts of sadness, crying for no apparent reason, an emotional roller coaster. And then it occurs to me that June is on the rise and it all makes sense. It will be 4 years (1460 days) since Ted has not been sleeping next to me, 4 years of amazing things our children have accomplished. I witness it without Ted by my side, beaming with joy and smiling that beautiful mustached smile. I do feel his presence, but it's not the same. After 4 years I still miss him like crazy, I still sometimes have the feeling like he's going to walk thru the door. I have become quite good at camouflaging the huge Ted chamber in my heart, but it's always right there, and when it's covered I'm good, but often, I feel like I can physically touch it, like giant hole, where everything Ted lives. I literally put my hand to my chest to keep it all in.

I had lunch the other day with a friend who lost her husband a year ago, we talk about our loss and grief and where we are in that process...we wish there was a book, with hard fast rules. This process is so very different for each of us, yet so the same. We are oddly comforted by this sameness.

 It is an odd journey for sure. The roads unfamiliar, the map not clearly marked, and definitely unsure where it all leads to. Where there were plans, I now have none. I wing it, my new mantra "its all good". For the first time in my life I have no plan. Ted and I had plans, but things have changed, I truly have no idea what lies ahead. Truth be told, that's a little scary. I'm a girl who likes a plan. But it's all good... forward movement.

Ted and I were together 27 years, 27 really good years, we loved each other, loved our children, our friends, and our family. And we really liked each other and each other's company. We did our own thing, but always made time for each other. I miss the conversations, the coming together after a work day to catch up, talking about our kiddos, our day, and just the daily happenings. I miss talking about our future. (back to that plan thing) it's just not the same planning by oneself, no one to toss ideas around with, I'm a dreamer, planner, I don't know now what my dream is, it always had Ted in it. And that, after 4 years has settled in hard. Mind you I have always been strongly independent, I don't mind being alone, I'm not lonely, I am truly so fortunate and, to quote Ted so "Lucky" to have so many dear friends, whom I love and who have been present for me in so many huge ways, these past 5 years. I have 2 amazing children , who bring me vast amounts of joy, and a family that has always had my back. I am now,  after 1460 days, trying to figure out what my new dream will look like. It's all good, I have a pretty great life, it just aches to know Ted is not taking part in the conversation. I will look for signs, it's how I roll these days. I know he's with us, I just have to be aware.

So today I will honor Ted by being happy! I will go to a lacrosse game, (we have friends playing in the state finals... Ted will be there cheering Gavin on... as will I,  just from different seats! ) And later on I will raise a nice cold Heinie, to a life well lived and a man HUGELY loved and dearly missed.