Wednesday, September 25, 2013

How are you? ....Not what I expected

"How are you?" these days, that is a loaded question. It depends on the day. I have stopped asking that question of others, for no other reason than, when it is asked of me I often well up with tears. Ask me about my children, but not me, because depending on the day...well some days great and others , not so good and the mere asking of the question, makes me think about how I am REALLY doing. So I now say How is your day going? or whats up?  Whats going on? And questions of that sort.

I am in a sort of limbo place. And grief, might I just say it is not what I expected. I have lost  before, dear friends Michelle and Michael in my teens ( she so much fun and a beauty inside and out and he my neighbor, friend, and go to date when all else failed), my amazing dad when I was 25 (Bob set the bar for me with all men, and lucky me, Ted had so many Bob qualities), my Nana (she was one of a kind, funny, fun and made each of her 16 grandchildren feel like they were her favorite! ),  the best mother in law ( I hope to be as awesome as Peg, when I am one), my talented friend Lina ( the coolest woman ever!)  and Joanie, my strong, funny mom a couple years ago. I am familiar with the sadness, that accompanies loss. I thought I knew what to expect. Ted had been sick for  year, in hospice for a month, I knew what was to be... but really, I  had no idea.

After the loss of my husband, my best buddy, the father of our 2 amazing children, the owner of my heart,  I knew I would be sad, of course after 26years together, a lifetime of memories and love, I expected deep sadness. But grief, I am finding is deeper than deep sadness, it is a physical heartache, it takes over the body, I have no control when it occurs. Some days I am good...great even. Other days I cannot even say the words husband or Ted or father, really I just never know. The other day I was ordering bio bricks, I said to the poor man on the phone "my husband Ted"...and then just lost it , I had to apologize, explain the unexpected tears, and carry on with the business of ordering the damn bricks! The simple sentence "my husband Ted ordered from you and in the past he used to pick up the bricks... do you deliver to So Po? I just coud not.
So weird, unpredictable, out of my control. That is what I find so strange, I have no control over the grief. Some days just a smile and a few tears, while driving or walking.  Other days primal , body shaking, all consuming heavy, heavy sobbing anguish. Always when I am alone in the car. Sometimes when I am in a room full of friends or with my children. Mostly at night, when I am alone in my room, when my body is getting ready to rest...because I am letting my guard down and the enormity of it all hits me.  I have no clue when, I just let it be, the grief. I think that maybe if I just let it be, it will be done sooner than later. I have no idea the duration...a year? Two?  I do know I will always have Ted in my heart, I do know there will come a time when I think of Ted and just smile. I welcome that day.

Monday, September 16, 2013


Have been feeling the need to get into the studio. My cousin Judy is working on making art for a living, so we are making each other work creatively. She has been spending lots of time harvesting, so her choice was are some of mine. Can't wait to see hers. Next,  Kitchen stuff...although I would like to say because I have been spending lots of time in the kitchen, not true...but I want to!

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Peg's Pond House

It was so nice to spend these 2 days in Boothbay. Every time I leave there I am reminded why Ted loved it so. It is a beautiful spot. For those of you who don't know, Peg's Pond House is our little shack on Barters Island, In Boothbay Harbor. Ted was working on it when he got sick. It was a pretty big project...the perimeter drain failed about 4 years ago, causing our basement to flood. We were unaware, as that was the first year we shut down the house and did not discover the mess until the spring. It was so sad.  Many a summer weekend was spent here the past 19 years, not to mentions weddings and reunions. We love this place. Ted began work digging up around the house and putting in a new drain on the weekends. He got 3/4's of the way done, when he could no longer do the work. So the past 2 years it has been quiet at the Pond house...overgrown, as Ted moved the earth to do the drain. All utilities disconnected, as he was readying it for the next step...taking off part of the house, demo on the interior and putting it back together. He never got the chance to finish.
This is the Pond house as it was when we purchased it many years ago. Ted added an awesome screen porch. Below are the pics of whats going on today. Nothing a little landscaping, painting and mean carpentry skills cannot fix. It will soon be ready for us and the many renters, who will enjoy as much as we do. My many thanks to Lisa & Peter for all the Love.
  Screen porch side
      Front of the shack
  View from the deck...
 Back of the house. We took the deck off and have quite the wildflower jungle going  on
Apple tree down! Thinking a Peach Tree might be sweet.
 Screen porch...raspberries have taken over... I kinda like, except for the blocking of the stairs. Next weekends project, if time allows.

This will be the new entrance. It will be nice to sleep here again!

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Today would be birthday 58 for Ted. Have been missing him madly all week, so I  spent the day in Boothbay Harbor at Peggy's Pond house. I  felt a little closer to him there at his "heaven" on earth.   I did some renovation clean up on the debris in the cottage. Friends have been finishing where Ted left off. It's looking good. He would like this kind of birthday. And... I left some work for tomorrow so I have to head back up... such a  Ted move!

Friday, September 13, 2013

Lightening up!

After a long emotional year away from art, I am slowly setting up my new studio space, thanks to the lovely Eliza, and purging lots of  art supplies and fabric that I no longer use. There was a yard sale at the end of August. It was  time to purge... Art supplies, homegoods, clothing, tools. There have been so many life changes for my family and me this past year. I was feeling the need to lighten  and simplify everything... my home, my studio, my work. I will  be posting weekly. I will warn you some posts may be emotional... It has been that kind of year. But I have discovered this past year that putting it down helps. So Iwill be putting it down, in writing, in art work and any other way I can work it out.
I will be doing only one show this year...Designing Women in Portland in December. But I do have some things in my Etsy and at Society 6 Zaz & Moe/Susan Delsandro Hellier.
This print is available, one of my favorite places, Barters Island. I will be heading there tomorrow to quietly celebrate Ted's birthday in his "Kingdom". Cheers!