Thursday, June 19, 2014


And on the 366th day without Ted on this planet, this happened...

I find it no coincidence that the State game is on the day we all  said goodbye to Ted. 
He Loved this team, he knew their potential, as players and amazing young men. He is one "Happy Cappy"!!!! 

Tuesday, June 17, 2014


I kissed a LOT of frogs in my youg dating life. I hated dating,  I was never one for long relationships, hated game playing, never really could stay in a relationship for more than 6  months. Then I met Ted. I knew  instantly after our first date that we would be together for a long time. I cannot describe the feeling, but I just knew he was the guy I woud marry, and before him, I never saw myself married.
He was easy, no games, stratigh up honesty and said what was on his mind. I loved that about him.
We were engaged withing  6 months and married a year later. I was lucky to have spent 27 years with Ted... he was fun, loving, kind, and  sensitive, an awesome husband, amazing father, fierce friend, caring coach, hard worker, passionate about his solar business. I could go on and on, but those who knew him, know all of this. He had his faults, as we all do. We worked hard on our marriage, it mattered to us. He was such a present father... for a guy who, when we first met,  did not want kids, he was one heck of a dad.
When I feel in Love with Ted I never imaganed a future without him in it. Now a year after his death I still have moments of disbelief and sadness at the future we will not get to share.  When I see old folks walking hand in hand down the street, I cry. These past few weeks have been extroinenarily difficult for me. I cannot believe a year has passed. I miss him more today than when he first left us. Perhaps I was exhausted, he was very sick his last months, and I did my best to keep him happy, comfortable and loved. Perhaps I was numb after with all that needs doing after a loved one passes, and you walk thru that fog pretty unaware of what occured. I cannot honestly tell you how I did all the arrangements. But I will say with a little help ( really LOTS ) from our friends. Perhaps I was so concerned for our childrens well being that I just pushed my pain down. I am not saying I did not cry. I did plenty of that. I think once the dust settled, for me the care taking, the constant watch... like when you have a new born, you are on heightened alert, making sure all is well. Then after I was still on that time clock. Not sleeping, crying  you get my drift. I think now, that I am on a pretty decent sleeping schedule, not running on empty, I have the luxury to REALLY miss Ted. I come home and he is not here for me to share my day with. Eliza & T-Moe do amazing things, and I have no one to bask in the glory of our childrens awesomeness with.  Something breaks in the house and my handy man is not here. I struggle some days, overwhelmed and the day to day of keeping homes, being a landlord, blah blah blah, these things Ted was so good at and me, not so much to learn.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Life without Ted

It is amost at that year mark, soon to be 365 since we have had to adjust to life without Ted. I will not color it rosey and say it has been easy. It is most difficult living a life you once did as a whole family,  with an important element missing. Of course there are many good days, but if I am truthful with myself, I will say,  I miss Ted more today than I did in the beginning of this new life without.
We have celebrated many important life events without Ted.. all of our birthdays have come and gone, Christmas Eve, Christmas,  the New Year, Halloween, Thanksgiving, anniversaries, and of course just the silly little family events only we cared to celebrate. He is missed not just by me and our children, but by our entire family, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, our dear extended family, all his "brothers".  All of us have missed  that certain lack of Tedness in our lives. As Flag Day soon approaches, ( June 14 for those of you who are unaware) the Holiday of Holidays for Ted,  ( It was Teds fave. No really, he is the only person I knew who spent his year planning his huge Flag Day celebration.) I find myself sitting often with a heavy heart. Missing my husband, friend, partner in crime, father of our amazing children. Sad because he is not here physically to embrace our children, and tell them how amazing he thinks they are. Sad because selfishly, I am often overwhelmed with the day to day of mothering, working, housekeeping, yard maintaining, bill paying, car fixing,  appointment making,  volunteering, house maitenaining, dog chasing, and the list goes on. Not complaining...I can do it, but oh how I miss my partner in all this. Our children have risen to the occasion, but they are still kids and I am mindful of heaping an adult load on them. They have their own grief to carry and their own path to navigate. It is difficult enough, being a teenager,  without adding the loss of you dad, best buddy and confidant. So we forge forward. I dont know when this heaviness subsides a bit. I am more certain now than I ever was, that grief is not a short term condition. Thoughts of Ted find their way in every day, I did not know it possible for little things to just creep in and for a moment, feel like I should call, that life was normal. I  feel stupid for not knowing how to answer certain questions. Silly questions,  like a question that came up for the Lacrosse program..."what  would you like me to put down as T-Moe's parents" ?  Just me?  I am the only one here... but he did have 2 parents. It's just so damn weird, that little question... made me all upset, confused, and not knowing how to answer. What the what! So I asked my son... he looked at me like I was crazy,  and in the end I put me and Ted, because we are his parents, even though he is no longer here. So I continue this long strange trip, with my children friends and family, hoping for clarity, calm and normalcy soon. I know it will come. I wish there was a clean cut guide, and definitave date. But I am also a realist and know that would be too good to be true.
So I thank you all for your  love and support, kindness, friendship and understanding, as sometimes I am not the easiest person to be around. You have helped us navigate, steadied us, picked us up, heard us out, cried with us, and distracted us. We are grateful for you timing and continued embrace.