Tradition

It is Christmas Eve, eve. In our home, ever since Eliza was born 19 years ago, we have  hosted a Christmas Eve open house... and tomorrow night we will once again. It is a Hellier family tradition. This year however Ted will not be here to greet the masses with his usual easiness and welcoming smile. I am sure all present will be missing that smile, but we  will all be so glad to be celebrating together,  an evening Ted started as our family tradition so long ago. I hope to see all of the usual
supects tomorrow.

I think it will be a bumpy ride

It was lovely to be in NJ with my family over the Thanksgiving Holiday. It was bitter sweet. Our first holiday without Ted. It was so great for me to be with my brothers and their wonderful wives. My children were so excited to be able to hang out with their cousins. For me thoughts of Ted are never far from my mind. He is always with me. It seems unbelievable to me that it has been almost 6 months. I sometimes just find it all unreal. Not in a delusional way, but in an "I cannot believe I will never see him again" kind of way.  My heart is often heavy. Again, I write this not to have any of you worry. I am really good most of the time, except when I am not. And when I am not, I am just sad and missing Ted. 

Holiday 2013 card designs.

Oh how I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE receiving a great card. Here are my favorite Holiday cards for this season. Hope you enjoy. Have a few more unfinished... will share soon.

Thinking Holiday

Tis the season to get all my holiday cards done and printed. I sketch holiday all year and choose my faves... Here are the ones that make the cut this year. Fall and Thanksgiving...Hope you like. Christmas Winter and New year next week!

Almost "24 years of Bliss"

We were married on an unbelievably beautiful fall day, peak foliage here, October 6 or 7, 1989...Ted always knew the exact date, I was in the neighborhood. I loved that he remembered our anniversary. In my defense, it was a weekend long event, and I know it is the 6th or 7th, and for clarification I always stroll into our bedroom and look at the lovely needlepoint piece my Aunt Connie made for us (and gave us on our 20th anniversary!). Or refer to the lovely necklace my friend Maggie made for me with the date etched upon it. (October 7. 1989!)

 We would have been married 24 years,  24 pretty great years. We were quite fortunate. We not only loved each other, but we LIKED each other. Liked working together, playing together and spending time together.  Ted would always say when asked how long we were married..."23 years of Bliss"
And I would say "pretty much".

Marriage is hard work, not always easy. When we were newly married we made a deal to fight fair and never go to bed angry, never. And we never did. One of us always gave in, apologized, copped to being wrong or stupid or whatever and we kissed and made up before we went to bed. We also always left the house with a kiss and arrived home with a kiss. What a great way to part and be greeted. It worked for us. I highly recommend it to all my friends who are newly married.
 These days I would welcome a healthy argument with Ted, knowing by bed time all would be well.

How are you? ....Not what I expected

"How are you?" these days, that is a loaded question. It depends on the day. I have stopped asking that question of others, for no other reason than, when it is asked of me I often well up with tears. Ask me about my children, but not me, because depending on the day...well some days great and others , not so good and the mere asking of the question, makes me think about how I am REALLY doing. So I now say How is your day going? or whats up?  Whats going on? And questions of that sort.

I am in a sort of limbo place. And grief, might I just say it is not what I expected. I have lost  before, dear friends Michelle and Michael in my teens ( she so much fun and a beauty inside and out and he my neighbor, friend, and go to date when all else failed), my amazing dad when I was 25 (Bob set the bar for me with all men, and lucky me, Ted had so many Bob qualities), my Nana (she was one of a kind, funny, fun and made each of her 16 grandchildren feel like they were her favorite! ),  the best mother in law ( I hope to be as awesome as Peg, when I am one), my talented friend Lina ( the coolest woman ever!)  and Joanie, my strong, funny mom a couple years ago. I am familiar with the sadness, that accompanies loss. I thought I knew what to expect. Ted had been sick for  year, in hospice for a month, I knew what was to be... but really, I  had no idea.

After the loss of my husband, my best buddy, the father of our 2 amazing children, the owner of my heart,  I knew I would be sad, of course after 26years together, a lifetime of memories and love, I expected deep sadness. But grief, I am finding is deeper than deep sadness, it is a physical heartache, it takes over the body, I have no control when it occurs. Some days I am good...great even. Other days I cannot even say the words husband or Ted or father, really I just never know. The other day I was ordering bio bricks, I said to the poor man on the phone "my husband Ted"...and then just lost it , I had to apologize, explain the unexpected tears, and carry on with the business of ordering the damn bricks! The simple sentence "my husband Ted ordered from you and in the past he used to pick up the bricks... do you deliver to So Po? I just coud not.
So weird, unpredictable, out of my control. That is what I find so strange, I have no control over the grief. Some days just a smile and a few tears, while driving or walking.  Other days primal , body shaking, all consuming heavy, heavy sobbing anguish. Always when I am alone in the car. Sometimes when I am in a room full of friends or with my children. Mostly at night, when I am alone in my room, when my body is getting ready to rest...because I am letting my guard down and the enormity of it all hits me.  I have no clue when, I just let it be, the grief. I think that maybe if I just let it be, it will be done sooner than later. I have no idea the duration...a year? Two?  I do know I will always have Ted in my heart, I do know there will come a time when I think of Ted and just smile. I welcome that day.

Fruit!

Have been feeling the need to get into the studio. My cousin Judy is working on making art for a living, so we are making each other work creatively. She has been spending lots of time harvesting, so her choice was fruit...here are some of mine. Can't wait to see hers. Next,  Kitchen stuff...although I would like to say because I have been spending lots of time in the kitchen, not true...but I want to!