For all you Mothers

It's Mothers day! Today I honor all  the lovely woman I know,  who have had great influence on my life. Call them what you may,  Mom, Mother, Mamma, Ma, Mumma, Mommy, Madre...you get my drift. No matter how you say it, the word  really means UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!  My mom loved me uncondiotonally, she loved each of us through the good, the bad and the ugly. She taught me so many things, but mostly how to be a good mom. I hope I am doing half the job she did. All the amazing women in my life are truly kind, caring, thoughtful, amazing moms. Which makes me think they too had that unconditional thing going on. Being a mom is one of the most rewarding, scary, hard, amazing things that I have ever done. Until I had Zaz & Moe, I never knew how much I could love one being. I was lucky to have the most loving caring husband, I loved  him more than anything. But the love for your child... like nothing I have ever experienced. And after my first, I was afraid I would have none left for number 2, but oh how wrong I was. I would lay in down for both of my awesome children. They are so completely different in every way and I love  all their ways! I could not imagine my life without the joy of these 2 amazing people in my life. So thank  you Eliza and T-Moe for making me a mother, you have taught me so much and  it is truly my greatest pleasure being your mom.

Wishing you were here

Spring 2015, and Eliza has begun her Junior lacrosse year. She is a starting player this year and I am so proud of her. She works hard at everything she does. I wish her dad was here to see her start this year. He loved her like crazy and was so proud of all her accomplishments. He was especially proud  when she decided to quit ballet which she had done for 11 years and play his sport, lacrosse. She played throughout HS and quit midway through  her senior year due to coaching conflicts. She decided to walk onto her college field for tryouts and made the team as a Fresheman. She saw some playing time her first year, and Ted got to see her play. He was tickled. He would be out of his mind that she is starting this year and getting lots of playing time. I know Eliza misses his sage advice. I am no substitute when it comes to all things lacrosse, I am a huge fan, but my knowledge is limited. They would chat each and every morning when he was sick, both early risers, a 6:00 call was always answered "good morning Za Za," by her dad. I know he is watching and wishing he was here.

Happy Birthday Joanie!

January 8, Joanie's  birthday ( AKA my mom). She loved being the center of attention.  It seems impossible that she has been gone for 3 years now. Crazy how time passes yet I still feel like it was yestrerday that she was just here. I miss so much about my mom, but mostly I miss hearing her voice, her laugh, a giggle really and her sneezes. Nothing is more comforting than the sound of your mothers voice when things are upside down in your world. I miss just calling to say hey when having a bad day. I miss her laugh, such a feminine girly laugh... I do not laugh that way, but she had a distinct,  Joan way of laughing and yup her sneezes, she sneezed like no other. If you can all say along AhhhhhhhhTissue in about 5 octives higher than your natural voice, then you nailed it! Always made me laugh.
I was so fortunate to have such great parents, of course when in my teens I dont think I thought them so cool, but all my friends loved them. And as I grew into adulthood, so appreciated every bit of them. I remember calls to my mom to just say "oh my God, I am so sorry"  about a thousand times when Zaz & T-Moe were babies, toddlers, pre teens, you get my drift. You do tend to appreciate them even more once you have your own. And how many time do I wish I could pick up the phone just to hear her voice? Well every day these past few years. She walked my walk and again I wish I could say "Oh my God, I am so sorry" As I think back to when my dad passed at 50  ( I was 25) I don't think I had a clue how difficult it was for my mom.  She was a strong, funny, kind woman and I miss her dearly.

 One of my last pics with my mom. I had the good fortune to travel with her to Mexico...it was a bitter sweet vacation.

I always thought I looked like Bob (my dad) until I saw this pic... 

Joan  would dislike each one of these, but  I love the stories behind each one... before my wedding, with Eliza after her first surgery and shortly after  one of her many craniotomies

at T-Moes Christening

I cherish the memories.

Auld Lang Syne

"Should old aquaintance be forgot and never come to mind. Should old aquaintance be forgot  for Auld Lang Syne"
I  have never really known the exact  meaning of this song, but I like to think it means remember all friends and loved ones, for old times sake. All those who are gone. All those who were at one time close friends, but are no more. All those that are present now. Remember them,  all of them for old time sake.  Move forward to the new, but always remember the old. So as I move forward to the new year, I remember all those who have gone before me, and all the amazingly wonderful times we shared. 

The wonderful life I was lucky enough to share with Ted.  How very fortunate we were to find each other. Some people never know such happiness. 

My life in Cranford on Cayuga road with my mom & dad, who gave me the gift of laughter and sarcasim, wit and kindness. I am grateful for such a happy childhood. 

My childhood friends Michelle & Michael , so fun, and funny and beautiful and handsome and taken before they could grow into cool, fun, amazing adults. I learned young the value of true friendship.  

My grandparents, Nana & Pop-Pop, she taught me how to enjoy cooking and  how to make people feel special. My Pop, took me to boxing matches and would always remember me and bring me figs and "chinese apples",  from him,  I learned the importance of  thoughtful little gifts.

My Nana D, taught me to crochet and sew and as I was learning from her, I never imagined that I would make a career in the arts through fiber. But I knew I enjoyed the making.  I am grateful to her for opening that door.

Peggy Clausen, the most awesome mother in-law. So gracious, kind, smart and non judgmental. I strive to be like her.

Lina, my dear friend... so smart, way cool, very talented and so tiny! I miss her wise words daily. I hope to one day be as wise. 

Mimi Dornblaser... another  smart lady,  Teds aunt and keeper of all the Hellier scoop! From Mimi I learned the importance of family history and  connectivity. 

Ted Hellier, Steve Onos, Tim Salce, Paul Black, all these fathers, great fathers, good husbands, amazing men. All well loved in their communities, talented men, artists, builders of community, lovers of life. From them I learned how precious life is, how short our time is here and the importance of being present. The effect of doing good, however loudly or quietly you do it.
So as I sit here in this wonderful home that Ted built, wondering what 2015 will bring,  I hope to, be kind, live in the moment, touch hearts, be happy and DO GOOD!
Happy 2015!

Promises Kept

I just returned from Italy on a lovely family vacation with T-Moe, my niece Cate and my son's friend Chris.  We went to visit Eliza who is studying in Florence. It was a wonderful trip, lots of laughs, eating, drinking, history, walking and just enjoying the country where my ansestors are from.
It was always the plan for Me & Ted to visit Italy once T-Moe was in college... a vacation by ourselves. We had always taken our vacations as a family...we enjoyed that, but were looking forward to this vacation, alone,  together. We had planned it and it was only a few years in our future when Ted got sick.

Ted was a wise and deliberate man. Throughout his illness he  asked for very little, he was a perfect patient, generous and thoughtful of those around him. On days when he was so tired and could barely stay awake, if the phone rang he would answer, and I would hear him say, in a very quiet voice
"ok, sure, see you in a bit" and I would ask who it was and he would tell me and say they are going to stop by. I would say are you sure you are up for it? His reply, always,  was " yeah, we may never see each other again" So as he was making the journey toward the end of his life. He asked me to promise a few things. I won't share them all, as some things are not to share. But one was to promise not to sell his "Kingdom" on Barters Island and the other was  for me to "promise to go to Italy and not wait. We should have gone, promise me you will go and not wait" And so when Eliza was planning on studying abroad, and she decided on Florence, I knew that I would make the trip and Ted would finally get to go to Italy. We would go together, though not alone.

We traveled a bit around Italy, to Florence, Rome, Pisa, Sienna, Lucca and other little villages. My posse of 4 decided that Loro Ciufenna, a little village that we stayed in with a series of beautiful waterfalls, was the place to spread a little Ted. I think he would have loved it.

Please...no more room in this boat!

In the past year, unfortunately,  I find myself not alone. I have had a number of  friends experience the loss of a husband. We are all in the same boat. I have no sage advice. I know although we all have experienced the loss of our husbands, our grief will not be the same, our course steady on, will be inturrupted by conditions beyond our controll,  there is no escaping the storm, just hope we come thru intact, still able to stand.  I also have a few friends embarking on the  the long helpless journey as the spouse of a cancer patient. Again I have no wise words, another unpredictable road ahead, each journey unique to that individual, and to their families.   I can only offer my compassion, empathy, support and hopeful optimism. Just because Ted lost his life to cancer, I have to believe that there are many who survive, will survive...I need to believe this, because if I do not, then why suffer the painful, exhausting effects the treatments produce. I need to know that they will survive! That there are survivors. I pray for that every day.

To have and to hold...

Today would be our 25th wedding anniversary. We shared 24 blissful years...that would be the answer Ted would give you if you asked how  long we were married. He would say "24 years of bliss!" So on this 25 year... I miss my blissful mate. I know it says "til death do you part". But even though he is no longer here, I feel him close. I still feel married. I know that sounds odd. We did not step out of the marriage. It just ended, and just like that I am alone without  Ted and him without me.  So on this day that Ted never forgot and I was always confused about the exact date. (the 6th or 7th?) I am so grateful for the 24 we had together and so sad that I will miss growing old with that cranky old Yankee. I miss having him to hold.
( He would have loved Eliza's version of one of our favorite wedding pics. )