Released

It seems impossible, that 2 years have passed since we said our final goodbyes. I choose not to celebrate the anniversary of Teds death, it seems wrong to celebrate that. It's not celebration worthy.  I am not saying that the day is not important, it most definately is...the day is important, because it marks the day Ted was released from pain and suffering. So I will celebrate that. And on this day that he was released, I will  celebrate his life, his legacy his fun loving, easy going Tedness.

The heart has memory that the brain does not. It seems it knows far in advance the giant void it has in it,  and for weeks it quietly tugs, like a child on your sleeve. My heart knows before my brain when events,  milestones,  occasions are on the rise. It gently reminds me of the enormus hole it is managing to function with. It reminds me to go there, you know there... where all the hard memories are. I try not to go there too often.  If I let my self go there I can fall deep into the pain, heavy, full body ache from deep inside, breath taking sorrow. And I do go there for just a bit, from time to time, because it is inescapable, and I stay there  for just for a moment, because I have to honor when there, comes here. Pain is part of healing, I can't escape the pain, but I can controll it. So after a good emotional cleanse, I move from the sorrow and sadness and heaviness of Teds death to the joyful happiness that was his life. I recall all the wonderful times. All of the people he has touched, and I cry some more, but different tears. It feels lighter,  my heart still heavy... but heavy with memories, and love for what he gave to us.  And I am grateful for it.

I will not lie and say that the 2nd year is easier. In fact I found it much more difficult than the first. The reality is ever present. Things settle in but the alone feeling does not go away. That is hard to settle with. But I can say that there are more days than before that I can actually mention Ted's name without my voice catching and holding back tears...that is Big. I am moving in the right direction.

So today on the anniversary of Ted's 2nd year of no pain, I will celebrate. Tonight at 6:00 T-Moe's Lacrosse team plays in the Western Class A Finals. The winner of this game moves on to the State Championship on Saturday.  I will stand in his spot, cheer for his boys and know that win or lose, they played their hearts out. How fitting on this day, for Teds boys to be playing...the game he loved. I know he will be cheering loudly from his spot.