365

I kissed a LOT of frogs in my youg dating life. I hated dating,  I was never one for long relationships, hated game playing, never really could stay in a relationship for more than 6  months. Then I met Ted. I knew  instantly after our first date that we would be together for a long time. I cannot describe the feeling, but I just knew he was the guy I woud marry, and before him, I never saw myself married.
He was easy, no games, stratigh up honesty and said what was on his mind. I loved that about him.
We were engaged withing  6 months and married a year later. I was lucky to have spent 27 years with Ted... he was fun, loving, kind, and  sensitive, an awesome husband, amazing father, fierce friend, caring coach, hard worker, passionate about his solar business. I could go on and on, but those who knew him, know all of this. He had his faults, as we all do. We worked hard on our marriage, it mattered to us. He was such a present father... for a guy who, when we first met,  did not want kids, he was one heck of a dad.
When I feel in Love with Ted I never imaganed a future without him in it. Now a year after his death I still have moments of disbelief and sadness at the future we will not get to share.  When I see old folks walking hand in hand down the street, I cry. These past few weeks have been extroinenarily difficult for me. I cannot believe a year has passed. I miss him more today than when he first left us. Perhaps I was exhausted, he was very sick his last months, and I did my best to keep him happy, comfortable and loved. Perhaps I was numb after with all that needs doing after a loved one passes, and you walk thru that fog pretty unaware of what occured. I cannot honestly tell you how I did all the arrangements. But I will say with a little help ( really LOTS ) from our friends. Perhaps I was so concerned for our childrens well being that I just pushed my pain down. I am not saying I did not cry. I did plenty of that. I think once the dust settled, for me the care taking, the constant watch... like when you have a new born, you are on heightened alert, making sure all is well. Then after I was still on that time clock. Not sleeping, crying  you get my drift. I think now, that I am on a pretty decent sleeping schedule, not running on empty, I have the luxury to REALLY miss Ted. I come home and he is not here for me to share my day with. Eliza & T-Moe do amazing things, and I have no one to bask in the glory of our childrens awesomeness with.  Something breaks in the house and my handy man is not here. I struggle some days, overwhelmed and the day to day of keeping homes, being a landlord, blah blah blah, these things Ted was so good at and me, not so much...so much to learn.