Friday, March 21, 2014

276





 I am a widow, it has been  276 days now, of life without Ted. Widow...it's a lonely word and I find it a hard word to say. I dont know if I have spoken that word yet to describe myself. These past 9 months have been tough. Grief is unpredictable, it is as unpredictable as the cancer was and it as unpredictable as life itself. I try to steady the course and forge forward, but I often find myself thrown by  unpredictable waves of emotion. Everyone grieves differently. I dont know that there is any guide to grieving the death of a loved one. I am what grief looks like. It's silent and right now,  always present. I think the only true healer is time, and really how much time no one knows. For some only a few months, for others years. I have heard many with the best of intentions suggest that I cry more, cry less, talk to a counselor, exercise more, do yoga, go out, sell your home, get rid of photos, the thoughtful list of suggestions goes on. And although I appreciate all the kind  advice, I listen to my heart. We all process loss, sorrow and heartache uniquely. No one can tell us how to grieve or how long it takes to mend a broken heart. What I do know is that I am happy when friends share their grief. It is comforting to know Ted is missed by friends and family as much as I miss him and as much as our children miss him. Ted had a large personality, he was a huge presence.  I miss his presence daily and dearly. Large and huge....hard to shake.

3 comments:

Lisa said...

I love you, Susan Hellier.

Lynne Holland said...

Like Love, Grief is not diminished in the sharing but the burden does lessen momentarily. Just as with Love, Grief is as unique as the person feeling it and the person lost. They say you feel the grief as deeply as you loved.
Some might say Grief and Love are twin offspring of the relationship you had with the one you have lost but then you get into that 'good' twin 'evil' twin thing.
I choose to look at grief and love as two sides of the same coin in your pocket. Some days that coin comes up as grief more often...sometimes as loving memories. The chance that the grief will come up is always there, a likely possibility at times and more random at others. You can never toss the coin away but you can toss it again & again until you pass through to a loving happy memory. Then put in your pocket for awhile and live a little life.
I don't know what you are going through as your situation is unique to you. as humans we search for common ground all the time. In grief we are our on our own journey and never still enough to find that perfect common ground. It is a journey that will change you and your challenge becomes that it does not define you. It is a hard and tricky journey but know you are not alone for the Love will always be there even when the Grief muffles it so that his precence seems too far and the loss too overwhelming. In that you will have to just trust. <3

the perrins said...

Sue, I think this is all about you telling us what it is like on the side of loss. How it actually feels so much worse than we can imagine. not how you should do it or change it - the grief. I really love hearing your story no matter how sad parts of it are. Just know that I love hearing your story because no-one, and I mean no-one is a beautiful, strong and talented as I think you are. So grieve on, BE on, and "good on ya mate!" I wish you joys. I know they surround you and you probably feel like imploding or exploding or bursting - so go ahead burst- bloom. Explode with all that life is and thanks for sharing your incredible fullness with all of us and we ebb and flow beside you in Love.