"How are you?" these days, that is a loaded question. It depends on the day. I have stopped asking that question of others, for no other reason than, when it is asked of me I often well up with tears. Ask me about my children, but not me, because depending on the day...well some days great and others , not so good and the mere asking of the question, makes me think about how I am REALLY doing. So I now say How is your day going? or whats up? Whats going on? And questions of that sort.
I am in a sort of limbo place. And grief, might I just say it is not what I expected. I have lost before, dear friends Michelle and Michael in my teens ( she so much fun and a beauty inside and out and he my neighbor, friend, and go to date when all else failed), my amazing dad when I was 25 (Bob set the bar for me with all men, and lucky me, Ted had so many Bob qualities), my Nana (she was one of a kind, funny, fun and made each of her 16 grandchildren feel like they were her favorite! ), the best mother in law ( I hope to be as awesome as Peg, when I am one), my talented friend Lina ( the coolest woman ever!) and Joanie, my strong, funny mom a couple years ago. I am familiar with the sadness, that accompanies loss. I thought I knew what to expect. Ted had been sick for year, in hospice for a month, I knew what was to be... but really, I had no idea.
After the loss of my husband, my best buddy, the father of our 2 amazing children, the owner of my heart, I knew I would be sad, of course after 26years together, a lifetime of memories and love, I expected deep sadness. But grief, I am finding is deeper than deep sadness, it is a physical heartache, it takes over the body, I have no control when it occurs. Some days I am good...great even. Other days I cannot even say the words husband or Ted or father, really I just never know. The other day I was ordering bio bricks, I said to the poor man on the phone "my husband Ted"...and then just lost it , I had to apologize, explain the unexpected tears, and carry on with the business of ordering the damn bricks! The simple sentence "my husband Ted ordered from you and in the past he used to pick up the bricks... do you deliver to So Po? I just coud not.
So weird, unpredictable, out of my control. That is what I find so strange, I have no control over the grief. Some days just a smile and a few tears, while driving or walking. Other days primal , body shaking, all consuming heavy, heavy sobbing anguish. Always when I am alone in the car. Sometimes when I am in a room full of friends or with my children. Mostly at night, when I am alone in my room, when my body is getting ready to rest...because I am letting my guard down and the enormity of it all hits me. I have no clue when, I just let it be, the grief. I think that maybe if I just let it be, it will be done sooner than later. I have no idea the duration...a year? Two? I do know I will always have Ted in my heart, I do know there will come a time when I think of Ted and just smile. I welcome that day.
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